Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
