finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
