those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
