dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
can u get pink eye on your cock?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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