dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
