He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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