did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
