so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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