Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
