i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
