Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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