he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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