I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
