Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
