his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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