The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
