he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
