It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
