Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
