If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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