It was confusing and full of hummus
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize