Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
