Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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