where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
