Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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