I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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