ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
