like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
