Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
