There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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