My liver just broke up with me...
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
