you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
