For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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