The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
