Your dad touched me again.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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