in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
