Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
