Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
