Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
