I am in a vortex of obligation.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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