yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Blood and glitter go together right?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
