There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
