I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
