i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
