So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
