apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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