I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
