How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
