Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
