i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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