We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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