fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
