I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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