just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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