would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
