Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
