So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
