i think my tv is drunk
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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